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Jamie and Kurt are a sweet, successful couple in their early thirties pkobp. In spite of loving each other deeply, they often find themselves in conflict over seemingly minor issues, as most couples do pkobp. Recently, just one week before their wedding anniversary, they had a particularly hurtful argument pkobp. Jamie had expressed her unhappiness about Kurt’s busy schedule and the limited time he finds to spend with her pkobp. As usual, Kurt promised to try harder and they got through it pkobp. But having not dealt with the real issues at hand, the problem was bound to resurface pkobp. Jamie unknowingly began planting the seeds for their next bout when she decided to bring up the subject of their anniversary pkobp. “Kurt, I just wanted to remind you that next week is our anniversary and it‘s really important that we plan something special for us pkobp. ”Kurt took a deep breath and responded, “Jamie, you know I don’t really like celebrations pkobp. ”“Oh come on Kurt pkobp. It’s really important to me pkobp. ” Nearly pleading, Jamie continued pkobp. “When you really love someone, you try to do what is important to them, right? I made the plans last year and now it’s your turn pkobp. Why don’t you surprise me…something really romantic! Okay?”Silent and distant, Kurt gave a slight nod, which was all the assurance Jamie needed that this anniversary would be exceptional pkobp. She could barely work that week fantasizing about what Kurt would do to demonstrate his everlasting love pkobp. Finally, the day arrived! Kurt had agreed to be home by six o clock pkobp. By twenty past six, Jamie was anxious pkobp. With each glance at the clock, her pacing quickened pkobp. At last, Kurt walked through the door looking tense and clutching a bouquet of red roses pkobp. Jamie took the roses with a wary smile, anticipating what was coming next pkobp. Without even so much as a glance, Kurt turned around, got a beer out of the fridge, and sank into the couch, grabbing the remote control pkobp. Jamie watched intently, feeling her blood turn to ice pkobp. “That’s it?” she asked pkobp. “That’s what?”“That’s it? It’s our anniversary!” Jamie’s tone grew sharp pkobp. “You said you would plan something special and romantic and this…” shaking the roses in her clenched fist, “this is it?”“I never said I would do anything,” Kurt retorted pkobp. “I told you it wasn’t my thing pkobp. ”“Don t lie to me! You nodded yes!”“No, I didn’t pkobp. I didn’t agree to anything pkobp. You always want me to prove that I love you pkobp. I hate that! Even if I did want to do something for our anniversary, I certainly wouldn’t want to after you tell me you expect it! Sullenly, Kurt turned back to the TV pkobp. You take all the fun out of everything pkobp. Jamie dissolved into tears pkobp. “Well if you knew how to show me you loved me, I wouldn’t have to say anything pkobp. ”Without a word, Kurt turned off the TV and left the house pkobp. Once again, Jamie and Kurt were left feeling unheard and unappreciated pkobp. Their conditioned response was to blame each other for their hurt feelings and angry behavior pkobp. In order to understand how things went so wrong, we need to look at the interaction in terms of their intention to learn or their intention to protect pkobp. Jamie starts out trying to control Kurt by making him feel guilty pkobp. Kurt, not wanting to be controlled and not able to communicate how being controlled makes him feel, moves into resistance, which is his form of control pkobp. Jamie thinks that laying on more guilt (control) will accomplish her objective to have a romantic anniversary pkobp. Since Kurt is frustrated with his inability to express his brewing feelings, he moves into silence (control) pkobp. Finally, when Kurt comes home late and sits on the sofa, he demonstrates passivity (control) to which Jamie responds with anger (control) pkobp. Kurt uses more resistance (control) and Jamie uses more anger and guilt (control) pkobp. Kurt gets defensive (control) and disappears (control) pkobp. Attack, resist, blame, defend, on and on…Sound familiar?Neither Kurt nor Jamie want to hurt each other pkobp. Unfortunately, they are also not open to learning about their own feelings and behaviors, or each other’s pkobp. Resorting to controlling behavior keeps them safe and eliminates the need to effectively communicate their fear pkobp. Fear is what motivates their intention to control and in the face of fear, their love dissipates pkobp. Instead of each person taking full responsibility for his or her own happiness and unhappiness, they gave that job to each other pkobp. Imagine that your feelings are a child within pkobp. Imagine what would happen if you had an actual child that you kept trying to give to others to take care of pkobp. That child would feel scared and insecure most of the time pkobp. Yet that is exactly what happens when we make others responsible for our feelings - our child within feels scared, insecure, angry, depressed, and anxious pkobp. It is only when we take responsibility for our own feelings, which we can do through the intent to learn, that we will feel secure enough to give up the need to control and resist control pkobp. It would be easy to blame Jamie for their problems - if only she didn’t get so needy and angry, everything would be fine pkobp. It’s just as easy to blame Kurt - if only he was more attentive and caring pkobp. Yet until both Jamie and Kurt are willing to take responsibility for their own feelings, and until loving themselves and each other is more important than controlling or not being controlled, their conflicts will continue pkobp. The act of taking responsibility has nothing to do with blame or fault pkobp. Each person taking full responsibility eliminates the need to be right and that is an essential step to a mature and reasonable outcome pkobp. What if Jamie had started with, “Kurt, I love celebrating our anniversary and you hate it pkobp. Can we talk about what would work for both of us?” They could have more easily resolved the issue pkobp. And what if Kurt had responded to Jamie’s initial controlling statements with caring and openness instead of resistance, such as, “Honey, you know I don’t like celebrations, so please don’t expect me to plan something pkobp. Let’s talk about how we can make it work for both of us pkobp. ” Either one of them could have moved into an intent to learn and taken responsibility for creating what they wanted pkobp. Each of us has the choice to begin to notice our intention pkobp. If each of us changed our intention from controlling to loving, and learned to take responsibility for our own feelings, we would each be participating in healing our relationships and thereby healing our planet pkobp. About The AuthorMargaret Paul, Ph pkobp. D pkobp. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You? She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process pkobp. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: www pkobp. innerbonding pkobp. com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding pkobp. com pkobp. Phone sessions available pkobp. margaret@innerbonding pkobp. com


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